Good Morning—
I was thinking about what you said about me not seeming to know or believe that I am a good writer . . . I do know.
I get on my site and read the meditations and think, “Wow, she’s good.” I like to re-read earlier ones and then later ones. I notice a difference, a growth. But as you downplay how important you have become to me, I downplay what a good writer I am.
Why? Because I spent a great deal of my early teaching career wanting attention for what a good teacher I thought I was–and I was a good teacher.
Not because the students liked me. Not because I did unique lessons and activities. Not because of anything I did other than being reflective. I saw what worked and what did not work as far as student comprehension and then adjusted accordingly. Plus, I admitted to my students when something did not work and was willing to start over with their input.
I lost track of the fact that teaching was my Calling in favor of an ambitious need for recognition. In our town ever year, there is a Christmas parade in which the Teacher of the Year from Jefferson county rides in a vehicle with his or her name on it–and waves at the crowd. Additionally, a picture of the TOTY was placed in the hallways of the county board office. A banquet is held to honor nominated teachers from each school in the county. The winner moves on to the state level competition with additional responsibilities.
I was nominated several times from my school for TOTY for Jefferson County. I never won–thank God, but I remember how badly I wanted those accolades.
Over time I have looked back and wondered why that was so important to me . . . being seen, feeling good about what I was doing . . . but it really boiled down to pride. I really did think pretty highly of myself!
I forgot that I was given a gift and did not give credit to the Giver.
As far as my writing goes, I know it is a Gift. You have generously given me a platform in which to develop it and the encouragement to take risks, to be courageous, to take my sword out of its sheath and wield it appropriately. What you have done and are doing for me is your Gift because it is all the same Giver and the same Gift.
I do experience trepidation at times because I don’t want to let you down or disappoint you. I know, however, in my heart that is not possible. Even though my head thinks it, my heart knows that it is an illusion–because that is not the Way of the Giver and the Gift.
What I sometimes interpret as harsh in your editing or critiques, is your passion for perfection or your passion for wanting me to really see deeply and calling me out into richer terrain.
Anyway, all this to say I know and yes, there seems to be something here to write about too.
With love, cousin
Yes and yes and yes…
And along this way we begin to see even further, that Giver, Gift and Receiver are One…
All seeming else is appearance…
Suffering has only ever been the forgetting of this…
All that appears becomes uniquely transformed in every moment this is realized…
In this remembering suffering becomes no longer possible…
Jesus knew this on the cross… He was thirsty, felt pain, despaired, yet he did not suffer… He remained, with us and with himself, until his last breath… And by doing so he opened another way…
Many ways are open, as many as needed, for God is always calling to Her Self…
Pride and shame, grief and pain, loss and gain, rage and terror, fear and arrogance, all of it like clouds coming and going in the sky… Yet the peace, joy, beauty and truth of God is always also present…
Sometimes it shines upon us and lights us up… Sometimes it calls to us like a distant, barely heard echo… Yet it is always here for those with eyes to see, ears to hear, and willingness to open to the Light and the Truth, no matter how dark it may seem…
All suffering is transformed into this willingness, in every moment we choose to know without proof or evidence that only light is real, all the rest is our imagination…
All in time, with time given to God…
The sky remains, always the same…
Spaciousness, emptiness, silence, this Love that holds everything in its embrace…
We are that sky…
All of Creation this eternal Remembering…
Thank you for your uplifting response.
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